Dying down a hard road

This right here

How y'all doing pfft :P

Curtailing Deadlines with Insanity

...
My mind bubbles with conflict..
So many ridges and razors have I felt with the tip of my finger since I last typed my computer keyes.

Only recently have I shaved my slovenly bearded face and washed my hair revealing that it was a platiunum blond and not dark brown.
Only recently have I found a packet of cigarettes and brought one to my chapped lips and coughed with bronchitus through inhalations of tobacco. The nicotene seemed to wake me out of a million year hibernation and I began to move sluggishly from my chair, which I had been sitting in with a burial shroud or perhaps a coccoon of newspapers, handouts, algebra glyphs scrolled haphazardly across yellow stiff parchment and hundred dollar college books.

I feel the air rise in my chest mixed homogenously with smoke. In the background a radio is playing Slipknot's Wait and Bleed.

No doubt that my description of myself is not complimentary, nor did I mean it to be. I'm twenty-one working on twenty-two and only about two months away. I still live in my parent's house and I have no job.

I am living off of those that begat me like an ocean mite feeds off of it's dead mother after it explodes from her insides. It is an insular and sustaining way of life, if not complacent.

All of this taken into account I must be the most abhorrent unattractive thing since the last John Waters movie. I would like for you all to be able to point at my actions and status and say "there is a useless dreg of society who does not understand the fullfilment of laboring, succeeding, struggling and winning." My typical response would be to say: "I am merely enjoying watching you toil." Said the cricket to the squirrell.

An angel swoops down onto my left shoulder and says: "Allah wants to know why you indulge yourself in inaction at the expense of those whom you claim to love."
I draw a long weathered look at the angel and say with all conviction:
...
"Shoo"

My previous reincarnation rises from the clay in the lake outside my door and claws his way into the livingroom and says: "Son, we need to talk." I look him in his muddy eye and say:
"Your getting the floor wet."

Buddha seperates and materialize from Brahma and says:
"You are eating too much."
I look over his emaciated body and say:
"Did you know that in all these Chinese resturaunts they have these fat bald statues they call buddhas and that ninety-percent of all dumbass Americans think that's you."

Jesus pulls himself from my television and a blinding light surrounds him. I hear a masculine voice say:
"You've really let yourself go, man."
Not being able to see Jesus because of the damn light I try to shout over the loud trumpets saying:
"Yeah I know, can I have a little help here?"

Download

I'm sitting here listening to these people bitch about my decrepit state while I smoke another cigarette. I know only that while I'm being reproached that eight chapter reviews are due tomorrow and I have only two done.

My levity perhaps stems from the fact that only three people are in my class: myself, another student and our teacher.

Goodbye.

-Sin

On My Ninth Life

I've finally aggravated myself to some form of proactive motion. I'm taking lesson in translating. Mother says I'll end up being C-3PO...whatever.
Everyday the tension is getting tighter and I'm getting in even worse states of health. I've lost nearly ten pounds in a month and my face is getting thin. Most of my addictions are gone save a few...namely, Zanaflex.
There's not much of me left, so I figure I might as well "get busy living or get busy dieing." In choosing to do both, I move on. Move on north. As far away from this place as I can legally run.

We'll see...


Kudos

On to Bigger and Brighter things

-Sin

This can't be!

I am now dieing.... Actually I'm not sure...I might be dieing I just can't tell. I don't feel well at all. I think I went way over my head. God help me. Please...I love you...I don't want it to be fatal.

E Nomine Pacem

I may be over my head. I feel unwell. I hope I don't get over it. I can barely type. I feel like I have become a vampire. Due to all my recreational activities, I am now ...I forgot what I was saying...
My limbs weigh more than humanly possible. I go on with the assurance that I might die. If I do, then I am finally free. I am a vampire. My limbs are paralyed. I might not make it. I am already among the living dead. All I have to do is...damn I forgot what I was saying again. goodbye...

-Sin

Oh I'm Alive, My Friend

God, what nightmares I've had lately. Boredom and stress tend to drag one's spirit through a mire of depression. Boredom (job) and stress(college) are tough opponents and often kill weaker men. But they didn't cause my nightmares... My nightmares were self-inflicted.
I dreamt last night that I was dreaming, deep in sleep when I felt someone hovering over me. It felt like his shadow was choking me. I could feel his breath against my face like some psychopathic madman. The pressure and terror just kept increasing and tightening until opened my eyes and a pale-face man with long black hair and fangs.
I woke up screaming in a bed drenched in sweat. I felt a warm coppery taste in my mouth. Terrified that I was bleeding internally, I coughed into my hand and turned on the lights. Nothing. I felt light-headed, like one feels after acquiring a deep cut.
I was awake for the next two hours trying to convince myself that I was not dying. That I didn't have an esophageal varices hemorrhage and that I wasn't going to bleed to death inside my throat.
It's a nightmare that I will have for a while longer. I've begun to feel less and less. My fingers are numb and my muscles are slower. My vision a lot dimmer. My normal zanaflex complicated lassitude has been multiplied.
...I keep a smiling face. It helps. The problem is that no one knows that something is wrong. As long as I can keep the corners of my mouth turned up they act like it's okay and that everything is standard. Well it's not, godammit!
I feel worse today than I have in many years. I guess I just don't talk about myself very much... I have to work late tonight...

-Sin

No Time To Cry

When faced with hardship or a massive problem, I frequently spit, curse and moan like ninety percent of the population. But inside I thrive and part of me overjoys at seeing utter failure and experiencing despair. If it is a hopeless situation, then so much the better. It is under those situations I get to test a part of me that doesn't see much use. While I may curse, grit my teeth and shout, I take charge and make decisions.

It's not the Spotlight...

I can't believe how much I've forgotten about this site. It was never vary important to anyone but me. Sort of a Dragnet like deal...I've even used a alias for all the good it does. I can't believe I had forgotten this site though... But then again...I like to forget. It's an honest past time and there are so many horrible things to forget. But then at some stage it all floods and there is total recall. Faces and places that have faded from sight are forced to the surface. Old friends, past lovers, just when you think they're gone your memories drag them back up.

But then old friends give way to new friends. In Kentucky, you would think that interesting people are nonexistant but that's untrue. Even in these last months, I've met people worthy of mention. At least one of them is an odd doppelganger-like image of myself from times gone by. Hah... But I can't damn him with my fate. But...if I could give him a piece of advice. I would tell him that in his life and in every facet of his existance not to regard any problem or any detail as small and insignificant. Too many of my own tragedies have begun that way.

Now...years away from where I was and miles from where I'm headed, I find that the old friends who've bowed out are still something to remember with a smile on my face.

I wish them all well.

I can't help but be optimistic. As Frost would've said..."I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" Math, James, Katie, Joseph...

I have to lay down...I'm tired...*sigh*

College starts sooner than I would hope. What a scam...Paying for a comodity that should be, here of all places, free.

-Sin